How To: DIY Marathon

For my 26th birthday, I ran 26.2 miles. Some people would call that a marathon. It’s an insane distance to DRIVE in Austin, let alone cover by foot; a race so challenging it’s reserved almost exclusively for bucket lists and skinny old white dudes (are they always bald, or is that just me?).  I, on the other hand, might call it a number of things: socially-acceptable self harm, shameless attention-seeking behavior, an elaborate ploy to bump myself up in the algorithm (hello, strangers from the internet! Have you heard my music?).

Despite my motivations, I did something I thought was impossible, and you can, too. Just follow these simple steps and you’ll be bragging about YOUR marathon in no time! 

STEP 1: GO THROUGH A LONG, DRAWN-OUT BREAKUP

If you’re in a relationship and you want to run a marathon, I suggest you start breaking up now. Breakups are perfect fodder for mindless physical activity like walk/jogging. Don’t commit right away, though! You’re going to need 6-8 months of on again, off again heartache to do this right. 

Besides having ample time to plan your next fight, training for a race also builds endurance, which will prove to be essential as the breakup drags on well into the following year. As an added bonus you’ll get in shape, so when you’re done eating raw cookie dough for dinner and feeling sorry for yourself, you can get back out on the dating scene and score a super hot rebound! 

I started running (and breaking up) in 2018. I could hardly go a mile without stopping and I signed up for a half marathon. We do crazy things when we’re falling out of love.

I registered for the race with my cool aunt, who had just given birth to her first child six months earlier. Nothing is more embarrassing than disappointing your favorite relative (or losing a race to a freshly un-pregnant lady) so I googled “couch to half marathon” and got to work. 

First marathon, 2018

First marathon, 2018

Like I said, I couldn’t go a mile without stopping, so when the plan boldly asked for a 4-mile run in the first week, I told myself I just had to go 4 miles. If I had to stop and walk, fine. It was hard at first, but it also gave me a solid reason to be away from the apartment I shared with my ex. Eventually I got bored walking up and down the single highway in my small town, so I forced myself to run the entire time. In three months, I could run 10 miles at once. I was unstoppable! And still not single! 

I finished my first half marathon in 2 hours, 11 minutes, and 14 seconds. It was April, and we signed another lease on our apartment. I’ve been running ever since. 

It was this long, drawn-out breakup that gave me my base. I was already running 10-15 miles a week when I started training for my birthday marathon. If you’re going from zero, I recommend trying a shorter race before you go for the big one. Unless the breakup is really, really bad. You know what’s best for you. 

STEP 2: FIGURE OUT WHAT MOTIVATES YOU

Some people are motivated by data. These people chase Local Legend badges on Strava and say the words “splits” and “PR” out loud and in public. For others, the simple pleasure of setting a goal and meeting it is enough. Some run for charity. Oh, how I wish I was one of those people! The thought of running a marathon for kids with cancer or dogs in wheelchairs does absolutely nothing for me.

I am motivated by attention.

Miranda (Blue) playing quidditch, 2013

Miranda (Blue) playing quidditch, 2013

Now seems like a good time to mention that I am not a natural athlete. In ninth grade, I made the life-altering decision to audition for Jesus Christ Superstar instead of the lacrosse team and my fate was sealed forever. My exercise henceforth was limited to ensemble choreography and the occasional game of pick-up Quidditch.

When you start running long distances, like really long distances, people start to notice. Especially if you post on social media. On more than one occasion I wanted to quit in the middle of a long run, but kept going only so I could post the results on Instagram. 

I spent many a Sunday afternoon waiting dutifully by my phone for the messages to roll in. How do you do it?! They’d ask. Surprised emoji! Fire emoji! 100 EMOJI! Even the guy who ghosted me at the beginning of the pandemic sent his support. For the first time in my life, I experienced the pure bliss of being perceived as athletic. 

Call it what you want; I’ll call it personal accountability. Find out what works for you and stand by it, even if it seems shallow. Do you want to run a marathon or not?!

STEP 3: PLAN YOUR OWN FREAKIN’ RACE 

My original plan was to run the Austin Marathon on February 14, but it got downgraded to a half because of COVID and I’m stubborn (more on that later), so I decided to take my fate into my own hands and run a marathon anyway, this time with 100% less competitors. And because I was the only runner in Miranda’s Birthday Marathon, I was headed straight for first place. 

Miranda at the (downgraded) Austin Half Marathon, April 2021

Miranda at the (downgraded) Austin Half Marathon, April 2021

I mapped my route using a website called How far did I run?. It started at my house and ended at Greater Goods Coffee, where I work as a barista trainer. I imagined my friends, coworkers, and favorite customers swarming the finish line, eager to congratulate me on my huge accomplishment. I would be hailed as not only the greatest coffee educator that ever lived, but an athlete; a real, live athlete! 

To schedule your marathon, simply select a date that means something to you. Maybe it’s the anniversary of a big event, like being born! My birthday is on May 13. It fell on a Thursday this year, which is not a convenient day to run a marathon. I was also expecting a period that week, so I did what any smart, period-having human would do: I planned my race for May 22, two days after the last day of my cycle, when I am historically the most attractive and energetic version of myself. 

After you set the date, the next step is to find some trustworthy friends to help you along the route. I am very lucky to have at least five friends that were available and interested in helping me run a marathon that day. These friends ran with me, cheered me on, and provided water and electrolytes. I could not have done it without them, so don’t skip this step! If you plan far enough in advance, maybe you can also find five friends. 

Nice! You have your route, your support system, and your race date. The only thing left is a training plan! 

STEP 4: GOOGLE EVERYTHING

Training selfie!!! February 2021

Training selfie!!! February 2021

As soon as I decided I was going to run a marathon, I googled “How to Run A Marathon”. An article with the same title from Runner’s World was the first thing that came up, and the next day I started their beginner’s training plan. I wrote each week’s plan on a slip of paper and taped it to my mirror. When I completed a run or a strength workout, I crossed it out with a Sharpie and gave my reflection a sexy wink. It started off well, but after three months I was exhausted. I work a full-time job with semi-irregular hours, and trying to fit six runs in between was near impossible. 

So I switched to the Nike Run Club plan, which gives you five runs per week that you can do whenever you want, as long as the long run and the speed work aren’t side by side. This plan also encourages you to download the NRC app, which is full of cute little audio-guided runs that tell you you’re doing a great job.

Another helpful internet thing for me was (and continues to be) the Reddit /running community. I like Reddit because I can be as hard or as easy on myself as I wish, without feeling like I’m annoying anyone I actually care about. A familiar scene is me, wearing a big t-shirt, drinking coffee at 5:30 a.m., reading a thread about wanting to run but being too pregnant. I’m not even a little bit pregnant, but you never know where you'll find a nugget of #relatable content. 

The other thing I’ll say here is to trust your body. When something feels wrong, Google it first, then watch physical therapy videos on YouTube. Healthcare is for nerds! 

STEP 5: DRESS FOR SUCCESS

This is the opportune time to really dial in your athleisure arsenal. After a long run in a metropolitan area, you may be compelled to shop around for that super cute exercise dress everyone is wearing right now. There are a lot of naturally thin humans walking around in workout clothes - don’t let them sway you! NO ONE is running a marathon in a dress! I don’t care if it has shorts underneath! 

Finding your running outfit is about YOU and YOUR BODY. Shorts with pockets are great. Sports bras with actual support are great, too. It rained on race day, so a weather-resistant hat was crucial. I found all of this out the hard way, by wearing the wrong things and suffering. Training is all about fucking up so you don’t fuck up when it actually matters. You’re gonna suck. That’s the whole point. 

Next up: Footwear. Stores that only sell running shoes feel like a scam to me. I don’t trust anyone, especially if I think they work on commission. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: No, I don’t wanna buy the socks! Nevertheless, I can’t argue against the importance of good shoes. This is the investment you make as a runner. Think of your other hobbies and the money you’ve spent to be better at them. If you’re fine with shelling out hundreds of dollars to watch pre-recorded videos of Gordon Ramsey teaching you how to cook, $150 for a decent pair of shoes should be a no-brainer. Purchases like these are why credit cards were invented, after all. 

I went to Fleet Feet three times over the course of my training, and a lovely person named Nathan helped me each time. Even though he didn’t remember my name, I felt like he really cared about me and my needs.

Nathan helped me select New Balances, which were good for a few months until I felt some pain in my right knee. I switched to Sauconys, which were good for a few months until my left hip flexor felt like it was on fire. Finally I landed on Hoka Ones, which were the shoes I wore on race day. Pro-tip: before you start panicking about an injury, check the mileage on your shoes. If it’s anything above 300, that could be your problem. 

The best investment I made, though, was on my headphones. Some people say it’s cheating to run races with music or podcasts. I say those people are psychopaths. Running without music is like masturbating without lube. You can do it, sure, but why make things harder on yourself? 

STEP 6: BE STUBBORN AS HELL AND DON’T MAKE A BACKUP PLAN

Somewhere between my third eye and my irrational desire for a flat stomach, a dream was eating away at me. I could see it all so clearly; one minute I decided to run a marathon, and the next the entire future was laid before my eyes: An athlete. A finisher. A winner!!! As far as I was concerned, the marathon already happened in a parallel universe. This is the Jack Kornfield-Approved™ attitude I carried with me for (most) of my training. 

Perhaps I’m a bodhisattva psychic babe, but more than likely, I’m just stubborn. It’s my way or my way, no backup plan, NO negotiations. A backup plan may seem like a good idea, but it can also bite you in the ass.

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I remember one in particular. I was scheduled for 20 miles. When I checked the weather the night before, there was a 40% chance of rain. I started my negotiations. If I woke up and it wasn’t raining, the run was on. If it was raining, I’d push it back to another day.

I woke up and it wasn’t raining. I wasn’t prepared. I rushed to the grocery store at 6 a.m. to scramble for some kind of mid-run fuel. There was traffic, which immediately pissed me off, because where are all these people going?! Go back to sleep!!! 

I decided on fruit snacks, then decided to take them out of the package and let them freeball around in my leggings pocket. The air felt like a wet blanket, but off I went into the dark morning. When I reached for a snack at mile 10, the gummies had melted and stuck to the insides of my pocket. My hands were sticky, my phone was sticky (and about to die), and at mile 16 I couldn’t go any farther. That was a hard day. Even harder were the days after, when I wondered if that bad run ruined everything. If I couldn’t run 20, how the hell was I going to do 26.2? 

During that run, I convinced myself it was okay if I didn’t finish, because it was hard and I wasn’t prepared. If I had planned to do the run no matter the weather, I guarantee it would’ve played out differently. But I had to learn that the hard way. 

Put in the time, put in the runs (even the bad ones. ESPECIALLY the bad ones) and it will pay off. You are so much stronger than you think. Unless you’re injured. Then see above for a hyperlink to my most trusted physical therapist’s YouTube channel.

STEP 7: TRUST THE PROCESS

Imagine, if you will, a long table of suburban moms, drinking wine and calligraphing these three words onto a piece of recycled barn wood. I hate how true they are: trust the process. 

Training for a marathon will rule your life for a little while. Let it! Don’t skip the strength training. I hate lifting weights, but I hate being injured more. Don’t skip the speed work. I hate sprints, but if I pretended my life was a movie about the 1984 Summer Olympics, I could do them alright. Don’t skip the taper. It might feel wrong to run less leading up to race day, but for some weird reason it works. You don’t lose your capacity to run long distances in two weeks, and you’re not gonna gain 500 pounds. Trust me. 

And now, the grand finale:

RACE DAY

I wake up at 5:45 a.m. and it’s raining. I know what to do. I’ve been here before. Today is the day, no backup plan. 

Pre-marathon selfie!!!!

Pre-marathon selfie!!!!

I make a cup of coffee and eat an english muffin with peanut butter. I drink a little bit of water, change into my race outfit, and do Yoga with Adriene’s pre-run yoga routine. My playlist is perfect and downloaded onto my phone, everything is fully charged, and I have all my good gummies tucked away in plastic baggies. Then, I have a picture-perfect bowel movement. That’s when I know it’s going to be a good run.

The marathon begins like any run. At 7 a.m., Marla and I take a selfie outside my house, then jog along the same route we’d been doing for the last 6 months. At mile 6, my friend Emily provides snacks and Marla snags a ride home. My friend Travis subs out until mile 8.5 or so, and then I’m on my own for a bit. A friend from college calls. My brother calls.

When my friend Thom joins the run at mile 12, I feel great. Together we complete the toughest (and hilliest) portion of the race. It’s raining harder now. My partner Will and my friend Abby meet up with us at mile 15 for water and snacks. I proceed to spill the water all over myself, but I’m already soaking wet from the rain. My shoes slosh along toward mile 16. It’s the hardest and slowest mile, at almost 11 minutes, but we don’t stop. After that, Thom bids me farewell and I’m alone for the rest of the race. I listen to a Talkhouse podcast. My mom calls.

The smell of gasoline fill my nose and lungs at mile 20, as I run around the roundabout on 51st and I-35. I definitely cry as I run on the shoulder of the highway, praying I don’t get hit by a car (although, not the worst way to go), but once I get into the Mueller neighborhood, it’s smooth sailing. My playlist is impeccable, and I run my fastest mile at 22, 9 minutes and 11 seconds. I owe it all to OMC’s “How Bizarre”.

Mile 6, photo by Emily

Mile 6, photo by Emily

My memory between mile 22 and 26.2 is blurry. I remember seeing Will and my friend Sarah at El Chilito. I remember singing “Fernando” by ABBA to some people waiting outside of Juan and a Million. I remember checking my Strava and realizing I had one more mile to go, even though I was getting close to the finish line. I make a last-minute detour to reach 26.2, and finish at Greater Goods Coffee, where I work, to a humble crowd of two and Barbra Streisand’s “Don’t Rain on My Parade”. 

I stop moving for the first time in four and a half hours, then immediately feel like I have to keep moving. I drink some Gatorade, eat a few bites of a banana, and walk around the parking lot. My left foot hurts and my hips are tight and sore. I stretch for a second, then dramatically fall to my knees. My Strava run processes and there it is: Miranda Haney ran 26.2 miles. Hot DAMN! 

I sit my ass down completely on the sidewalk. Just then, my coworker runs out of the cafe toward us. 

“Hey Miranda!” she says eagerly. “Random question… Can we brew the coffee that’s on your desk?”

I stare back at her in disbelief. 

“SURE,” I say. “DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.” 

STEP 8: BE PREPARED FOR POST-MARATHON DEPRESSION

Congratulations! You did it! You are a super hot, super strong marathon runner. But you are no match for the chemicals in your brain! 

In the days and weeks after the marathon, you may feel empty and anxious and rendered completely immobile. I encourage you to trust this process as well, and take your mind off your emotions by drinking wine and getting lost on YouTube. Eventually you’ll run again, but for now, just be lazy. The truth is, nobody cares as much as you do. 

Good luck out there. Call me if you need anything. 

Day one post-marathon

Day one post-marathon

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